There is exactly one place that I want to be this side of heaven. Thinking back, there’s always been one such place. And that place is home.
My idea of home is more conceptual than physical. Specifically, I want to be someplace where I would be accepted just as I am, and where people at least didn’t hate me, and in a perfect world, maybe even liked me. I want a place where I belonged, a place I could come back to and have it be My Place, a place where the people were My People. I guess I was looking for Cheers – a place where everybody knows your name, and they’re always glad you came.
I grew up in a pretty solid home. Dad worked hard, and so did Mom. They both wanted good things for my brother and me. It wasn’t perfect, but that’s not what this post is about. It was good enough, that’s for sure. But the weird thing? Whether it’s because of the depression that I didn’t understand at all yet (even though, in hindsight, it was obviously there), or just the normal insecurity of youth, or whatever the reason, I never felt at home. I didn’t think that I fit in, and I never thought I was good enough.
Fast forward all this time, and I’m still the same person. I feel like I don’t fit in with in own home and with my own family. I feel like I constantly hear how much I mess up, and I believe it. If you take an inch from me, I might protest loudly, but in the end I’ll often give a mile because deep inside I don’t think I deserved it anyway. I don’t generally try to repair things that are broken, or to retake lost ground in relationships, even though being “restoratitive” is supposed to be one of my five top strengths.
Sidebar
Ironically, one of the three places where I do generally feel welcome these days is at my Mom and Dad’s house. The other two are a small group of friends that meets once a week or so (though they meet at a time when I generally can’t attend), and work (some days). I think this is because I feel I stopped believing that my parents were measuring and weighing my performance, and just started being happy that they were my parents. I wonder how I can convince my kids that I’m proud to be theirs?
By the way, my Dad has a very strong desire for the same kind of “home” experience, and for family “togetherness.” It bothers him a lot when we don’t get to see or talk to each other, and he obviously has a strong sense that family belongs together. A few years back it dawned on me that what he is really longing for is Heaven. At least that’s what it looks like to me. And I think that’s what I’m longing for, too. But that causes a problem, because at the beginning of this post I said “there is one place that I want to be this side of heaven,” and it can’t make sense to say “there is one place that I want to be this side of heaven, and that’s heaven!” Or can it?
I have decided that it does make sense. This world can treat us to lots of joy and beauty because it has built into it echoes of eternity. Our relationships make us feel fulfilled because they are an echo of the eternal fellowship that the Godhead has enjoyed for all eternity. And that joy and fellowship is available here as a temporary and fragile foretaste of the permanent and solid bliss that awaits us in Heaven.
So how can I make this life feel more like home? How can the here and now taste more strongly of the blessings of Heaven? I think my Dad knows the answer. Family matters. We belong together. And people are more important than things.
As Geoff Moore puts it:
That’s When I’ll Know I’m Home
There is a place more precious than any other
This side of heaven’s door
A place where we love one another
A shelter in time of storm
And though it’s a treasure
This home’s not forever
I long for the life that’s waiting beyond
Where no one will ever be hungry or cold
No one will hurt or will ever grow old
No one will die and leave someone alone
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
There is a place
Where truth will always be spoken
And promises can be believed
A place where your hearts can’t be broken
And loved ones will never leave
So if you are longing for a place of belonging
The home you’ve dreamed of
Is waiting for you
(Chorus)
When no one will ever be hungry or cold
No one will hurt or will ever grow old
No one will die and leave someone alone
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
Forever no pain or disease
All will be equal, and all will be free
True love will come
And we’ll fall at His feet
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
And finally I’ll see with the darkness erased
Not through a glass, but then face to face
And that’s when I’ll know I’m home
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
(Chorus)
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
I’ll know I’m home
I’ll know I’m home
All will be equal, and all will be free
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
True love will come
And we’ll fall to our knees
That’s when I’ll know I’m home
